The crazy thing is I’m always changing. I grow everyday, changing my opinions, my diet, even the way I brush my teeth, Im always trying my hardest to implement something new into my life. Is that considered change though? Yes, I might be adding something new but, isn’t change basically replacing the old for the improved?
Personally, I feel like a emotional hoarder, clinging to unnecessary and overall extra baggage from my day to day routine. Recently, I noticed I even have an issue with things running out- for some reason I don’t like the idea of something not being infinite. Now whether that’s some type of obsessive tendency or just a weird personality trait I have its had a big enough impact for me to question it. This on top of the fact I resent change, Ive honestly felt I’ve been struggling with this.
Going back to the title of this, “Im afraid of change,” I’m vaguely going to explain the somewhat freighting image I have of this certain concept. Like I said, I change everyday and a lot of the times its drastic. For example, that one time I went vegan overnight, or the time I dropped out of school, or even every non regrettable time I quit a job on the spot, overall I’m used to the concept of change. When I was in my head contemplating this entire post I was watching Mike Tyson’s podcast with Boosie, which let me say was amazing, and it made me realize my fears.
As I was listening and Tyson was speaking on his insecurities towards what most people would refer to as their shadow selves, I realized I wanted to change. This realization was quickly blocked by the sad doubt replaying in my head sounding like, “What would everyone else think?” What would people around me think about my drastic change? Like, doesn’t that sound ridiculous?
Knowing my friends, they’re very supporting and have been around for all the drastic changes in my life. After all, they are my friends and they would support me through anything, they even hopped on the wagon with me in some situations. Its completely pointless that I worry about the people around me, the most accepting, instead of people who don’t know me at all. I can say that’s where my insecurity lies, in the form of my fear of acceptance. I feel as if I change people wouldn’t look at me the same. Isn’t that the point?
Before this becomes a subconscious rant I actually do want to explain how I discovered this to be an issue today. My desire to do better was less than my fear of other’s opinions.
My entire life I let my body become my conscious mind. Im used to petty changes like my hair or my habits up until I understood it became subconscious. So when I had to actually change something that addressed my ego, my body found every reason and sent every signal to not do it. I have an entire built up anxiety towards the simple idea of change.
How I’m going to combat this fear and accept this idea of replacing the old for the new? Well I simply don’t know yet. I know my first step was recognizing it and addressing it. I guess you can say me writing this was a form of confrontation and to me it is. Going on from here will be a much needed experience and I’m grateful and excited.
This sounds like I will update everyone on this journey with a part 2. Keep on the look out :). Thank you all for reading and I blessings that this post found you well. Happiness to you!
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