I’ve experienced an unfortunate pattern in my life that has led me into a negative thought pattern about myself.
I’m easy to let down.
Beyond my turbulent youth—where this cognition became an identity—I learned that I’m not worth following through for.
After great lengths of self-abandonment, your casual conversations are filled with the echoes of broken promises and words falling short.
“I’m sorry” was as familiar as hello.
With each apology, I learned something about myself.
I’m easy to let down.
To everyone else, I was just understanding.
My passiveness was praised as unproblematic, and I didn’t know what boundaries were until I was in my 20s.
Even after learning about them, it took years for me to even scratch the surface of personal choice.
I “that’s-fined” my way into spirals where I was always left in tears—always left crying that I never asked for anything.
Which is true, because after so many I’m sorrys and endless I’ll get to it soons, you learn to just not ask.
The worst part about having no boundaries is that people will offer you stuff… just to not follow through.
Every I’ll call you back that ended in silence taught me something about myself.
I’m easy to let down.
Every drunken rant that filled me with words as sharp as fresh blades let me know I’ll always be on the back of the stove—
the rice that you can put on and forget about,
the tea kettle that’s always half empty.
Each I don’t care started to carry more meaning than any I love you.
There was an unfortunate truth in the words of an inebriated.
With each laugh, they made sure I knew.
I’m easy to let down.
Even in love, I wasn’t good enough.
When your heart is so deep, you get blindsided.
Even when I thought I was safe, I still felt the frostbite of betrayal.
I guess I’m never safe—
not when the story written for me always says not to stay true or follow through.
I just knew.
I’m easy to let down.
I still carry myself with grace—keeping quiet, keeping the peace.
A peace I was never a part of.
Each of these interactions strikes a fire in me.
How can you play for peace and still lose?
Even when malice wasn’t present, the feeling still lingers in every crack and crevice.
When the intention seems pure, I realize I’m truly seen this way.
I’ve allowed people to believe this.
I’ve allowed myself to believe this.
I’m easy to let down.
But the truth is—
the letdown hurts.
And it hurts even more knowing I’m the reason I’m always let down.
I’m easy to let down.
But not forever.
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